So many see me as a confident, mighty enchantress, and while yes I am strong in the magical arts I've learned.. no one sees the shy girl I once was...the girl I still am. I may have grown use to crowds now, no longer do I run from places that have more then five or six people like I did in my initiate days, no more am I the girl who would bow out of conversation without speaking when surrounded by too many. I've grown. But, a part of me is still very private and longs for someone I can go home to, someone who knows the flashy, mighty side of being a powerful enchantress is not who I am. Someone calm, confident in their own self worth and place. Who could be the calm I can find when the world seems like a raging storm around me.

Found myself contemplating again, and the feeling of loneliness crept in again. Why I don't understand. I love helping others, I've got a wonderful group of friends and a family I adore. So why is it I can not allow myself to grow close to someone who might end the loneliness. It has always been with me from my childhood, and every time someone gets close, I end up hurting them.. or run away, and find myself alone all over again. I wish I could talk to my best friend again, like we use to in the old days before everything went wrong. I could use his advice, even if I know he's just going to tell me what I already know, that this is something I have to figure out and fix. This time I was accused of not wanting to fix it... Might that be true? I pray to the gods that isn't true, but for all the knowledge I've gained, for every battle I've ever won... This one, this internal battle.. seems I am my own worst enemy, keeping from my self the very thing I desire most. I wish I knew what to do.

It's been quite entertaining being a zombie this year, Low even screamed and tried to rebury me as he seems to have thought I was a real zombie.

Dressed as a zombie this year, and so far it has been quite a bit of fun even if I am not awake as much as I wish I could be. A graveyard was opened for the season the keeper Tobias seems very kind, and doesn't seem to mind my "Lurking" around. I managed to scare a few people and got a chuckle, even had people scream and throw candy at me! That was a delicious turn much better then brains. Though the graveyard does worry me a bit, not enough to keep me from having a bit of fun.

It was a peaceful turn, a friend took me out for a bit of fun, sledding, made me redo the first sled down the hill because I didn't yell like I was instructed to do. It was a great release, I know there is bound to be a purpose for all this pain I bring upon myself, I just wish it would hurry up and make sense so I can move on to a happier time. I know I am strong enough to not settle for more then my dreams, even if they may never come true, it is still a good dream to chase, but I need to figure out what I want, but every time I think I've figured things out... It goes spiraling out of control again.

*page is covered in wet spots* Why do I torment myself? I've dreamed of being bonded since I was a child, yet every opportunity I've had to do so, I screw it up! Why? I wish I could just be happy like other bonded people. Every time I am asked I end up panicking and running off, only once... Did I not run immediately... Did that before and after though with him. So technically EVERYTIME. Even I don't understand my reactions... How can I make them understand when I don't? It is sad when you can't give yourself what you most desire! Is it because of my parents example? Is it because my first potential bondmate that my parents chose was an evil man? I wish I knew, but I feel like I am broken...so broken, and I may never be like others.